Архив метки: Roald Dahl

THE SCORPION by Roald Dahl

THE SCORPION

The scorpion’s name is Stingaling,
A most repulsive ugly thing,
And I would never recommend
That you should treat him as a friend.
His scaly skin is black as black
With armour-plate upon his back.
Observe his scowling murderous face,
His wicked eyes, his lack of grace,
Note well his long and crinkly tail.
And when it starts to swish and flail,
Oh gosh! Watch out! Jump back, I say,
And run till you’re a mile away.
The moment that his tail goes swish
He has but one determined wish,
He wants to make a sudden jump
And sting you hard upon your rump.
"What is the matter, darling  child?"
"Why do you look so tense and wild?"
"Oh, mummy, underneath the sheet
"There's something moving on my feet,
"Some horrid creepy crawly thing,
"D'you think it could be Stingaling?"
"What nonsense child! You're teasing me."
"I'm not, I'm not! It's reached my knee!
"It's going... going up my thigh!
"Oh, mummy, catch it quickly! Try!
"It's on... it's on my bottom now!
"It's... Ow! Ow-ow! Ow-ow! OW-OW!

CINDERELLA by Roald Dahl

CINDERELLA

I guess you think you know this story.
You don’t. The real one’s much more gory.
The phoney one, the one you know,
Was cooked up years and years ago,
And made to sound all soft and sappy
Just to keep the children happy.
Mind you, they got the first bit right,
The bit where, in the dead of night,
The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,
Departed for the Palace Ball,
While darling little Cinderella
Was locked up in a slimy cellar,
Where rats who wanted things to eat,
Began to nibble at her feet.
She bellowed, ‘Help!’ and ‘Let me out!’
The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
Appearing in a blaze of light,
She said, ‘My dear, are you all right?’
'All right?'' cried Cindy. ‘Can’t you see
‘I feel as rotten as can be!’
She beat her fist against the wall,
And shouted, ‘Get me to the Ball!
‘There is a Disco at the Palace!
‘The rest have gone and I am jealous!
‘I want a dress! I want a coach!
‘And earrings and a diamond brooch!
‘And silver slippers, two of those!
‘And lovely nylon panty-hose!
‘Done up like that I’ll guarantee
‘The handsome Prince will fall for me!’
The Fairy said, ‘Hang on a tick.’
She gave her wand a mighty flick
And quickly, in no time at all,
Cindy was at the Palace Ball!
It made the Ugly Sisters wince
To see her dancing with the Prince.
She held him very tight and pressed
Herself against his manly chest.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp,
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
Then midnight struck. She shouted, ‘Heck!
‘I’ve got to run to save my neck!’
The Prince cried, ‘No! Alas! Alack!’
He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
As Cindy shouted, ‘Let me go!’
The dress was ripped from head to toe.
She ran out in her underwear,
And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart,
He pressed it to his pounding heart,
‘The girl this slipper fits,’ he cried,
‘Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!
‘I’ll visit every house in town
‘Until I’ve tracked the maiden down!’
Then rather carelessly, I fear,
He placed it on a crate of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters
(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)
Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,
And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put
The slipper from her own left foot.
Ah-ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,
And Cindy’s luck starts looking sicker.
Next day, the Prince went charging down
To knock on all the doors in town.
In every house, the tension grew.
Who was the owner of the shoe?
The shoe was long and very wide.
(A normal foot got lost inside.)
Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
(The owner’s feet were hot and sticky.)
Thousands of eager people came
To try it on, but all in vain.
Now came the Ugly Sisters’ go.
One tried it on. The Prince screamed, ‘No!’
But she screamed, ‘Yes! It fits! Whoopee!
‘So now you’ve got to marry me!’
The Prince went white from ear to ear.
He muttered, ‘Let me out of here.’
‘Oh no you don’t! You’ve made a vow!
‘There’s no way you can back out now!’
‘Off with her head!’ the Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,
‘She’s prettier without her head.’
Then up came Sister Number Two,
Who yelled, ‘Now I will try the shoe!’
‘Try this instead!’ the Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack –
Her head went crashing to the ground.
It bounced a bit and rolled around.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds,
Cinderella heard the thuds
Of bouncing heads upon the floor,
And poked her own head round the door.
‘What’s all the racket?’ Cindy cried.
‘Mind your own bizz,’ the Prince replied.
Poor Cindy’s heart was torn to shreds.
My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads
How could I marry anyone
Who does that sort of thing for fun?
The Prince cried, ‘Who’s this dirty mutt?
‘Off with her nut! Off with her nut!’
Just then, all in a blaze of light,
The Magic Fairy hove in sight,
Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!
‘Cindy!’ she cried. ‘Come make a wish!
‘Wish anything and have no doubt
‘That I will make it come about!’
Cindy answered, ‘Oh kind Fairy,
‘This time I shall be more wary.
‘No more Princes, no more money.
‘I have had my taste of honey.
‘I’m wishing for a decent man.
‘They’re hard to find. D’you think you can?’
Within a minute, Cinderella
Was married to a lovely feller,
A simple jam-maker by trade,
Who sold good home-made marmalade.
Their house was filled with smiles and laughter
And they were happy ever after.

Why is Russia a very fast-moving country?

Why is Russia a very fast-moving country?

Because the people are always Russian!


What is the most slippery country in the world?

Greece!


What do Scotsmen eat?

Tart 'n' pie!


What might you eat in Paris?

The trifle tower!


What happenes when you throw a green stone in the Red Sea?

It gets wet!


Did you hear about the exhausted kangaroo?

She was out of bounds!


What kind of biscuit would you find at the South Pole?

A penguin!


What's the difference between an American student and a UK student?

About 3 000 miles!

THE CROCODILE by Roald Dahl

THE CROCODILE

dirty-beasts-8

No animal is half so vile
As Crocky-Wock the crocodile.
On Saturdays he likes to crunch
Six juicy children for his lunch,
And he especially enjoys
Just three of each, three girls, three boys.
He smears the boys (to make them hot)
With mustard from the mustard pot.
But mustard doesn’t go with girls,
It tastes all wrong with plaits and curls.
With them, what goes extremely well
Is butterscotch and caramel.
It’s such a super marvellous treat
When boys are hot and girls are sweet.
At least that’s Crocky’s point of view.
He ought to know. He’s had a few.
That’s all for now. It’s time for bed
Lie down and rest your sleepy head . . .
Ssh! Listen! What is that I hear
Gallumphing softly up the stair?
Go lock the door and fetch my gun!
Go on, child, hurry! Quickly, run!
No, stop! Stand back! He’s coming in!
Oh, look, that greasy greenish skin!
The shining teeth, the greedy smile!
It’s CROCKY-WOCK, THE CROCODILE!

Why don't crocodiles like fast food?

Why don't crocodiles like fast food?

Because they can't catch it!


What do crocodiles call children?

Appetizers!


What would a crocodile be called if it was a detective?

An investi-gator!


What do you call a thieving aligator?

A crook-odile!


What has four legs, a trunk and sunglasses?

An elephant on holidays!


What is worse than a crocodile coming to dinner?

Two crocodiles coming to dinner!


What is worse than two crocodile coming to dinner?

Three crocodiles coming to dinner!

Why did the tomato blush?

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing!


Customer: Is there spaghetti in the menu today?

Waiter: No, I cleaned it off!


Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?

Because he was stuffed!


What do polar bears have for dinner?

Iceberg-ers!


What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?

Hurry and ketchup!


What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple!


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!


What vegetable should never be served on a boat?

Leeks!


What do aliens eat off in space?

Flying sausers!


How do eggs leave in an emergency?

Through the fire eggs-it!

THE COW by Roald Dahl

THE COW

dirty-beasts-24

Please listen while I tell you now
About a most fantastic cow.
Miss Milky Daisy was her name,
And when, aged seven months, she came
To live with us, she did her best
To look the same as all the rest.
But Daisy, as we all could see
Had some kind of deformity,
A funny sort of bumpy lump
On either side, above the rump.
Now, not so very long ago,
These bumpy lumps began to grow,
And three or maybe four months later,
(I stood there, an enthralled spectator)
These bumpy lumps burst wide apart
And out there came (I cross my heart)
Of all the wondrous marvelous things,
A pair of gold and silver wings!
A cow with wings! A flying cow!
I’d never seen one up to now.
“Oh Daisy dear, can this be true?”
She flapped her wings and up she flew!
Most gracefully she climbed up high,
She fairly whizzed across the sky.
You should have seen her dive and swoop!
She even did a loop the loop!
Of course, almost immediately
Her picture was on live T.V.,
And millions came each day to stare
At Milky Daisy in the air.
The shouted “Jeepers Creepers! Wow!
“It really is a flying cow!”
They laughed and clapped and cheered and waved,
And all of them were well-behaved
Except for one quite horrid man
Who’d travelled from Afghanistan.
This fellow, standing in the crowd,
Raised up his voice and yelled aloud,
“That silly cow! Hey, listen Daisy!
“I think you’re absolutely crazy!”
Unfortunately, Daisy heard
Quite clearly every single word.
“By gosh,” she cried, “what awful cheek!
“Who is this silly foreign freak?”
She dived, and using all her power
She got to sixty miles an hour.
“Bombs gone!” she cried. “Take that!” she said,
And dropped a cowpat on his head.

Why six is afraid of seven?

Why six is afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine.


Why did the teacher put the lights on?

Because the class was so dim!


Teacher: What are you reading?

Pupil: I dunno!

Teacher: But you are reading aloud!

Pupil: Yeah, but I'm not listening!


Who invented fractions?

Henry the Eighth!


Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word "lettuce".

Pupils: Let us out of school early!

THE LION by Roald Dahl

The Lion

The lion is just adores to eat
A lot of red and tender meat,
And if you ask the lion what
Is much the tenderest of the lot,
He will not say a roast of lamb
Or curried beef or devilled ham
Or crispy pork or corned beef hash
Or sausages or mutton mash.
Then could it be a big plump hen?
He answers no. What is it, then?
Oh, lion dear, could I not make
You happy with a lovely steak?
Could I entice you from your lair
With rabbit-pie or roasted hare?
The lion smiled and shook his head.
He came up very close and said,
“The meat I am about to chew
Is neither steak nor chops. IT’S YOU.”

THE PIG by Roald Dahl

The Pig

dirty-beasts-5-1

In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn’t read,
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn’t puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found,
Till suddenly one wondrous night,
All in a flash, he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!”
“They want my bacon slice by slice
“To sell at a tremendous price!
“They want my tender juicy chops
“To put in all the butchers’ shops!
“They want my pork to make a roast
“And that’s the part’ll cost the most!
“They want my sausages in strings!
“They even want my chitterlings!
“The butcher’s shop! The carving knife!
“That is the reason for my life!”
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great peace of mind.

Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And Piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor . . .
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let’s not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he’d finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile, he said,
“I had a very powerful hunch
“That he might have me for his lunch.
“And so, because I feared the worst,
“I thought I’d better eat him first.”