Why is Russia a very fast-moving country?
Because the people are always Russian!
What is the most slippery country in the world?
What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart ‘n’ pie!
What might you eat in Paris?
The trifle tower!
What happenes when you throw a green stone in the Red Sea?
It gets wet!
Did you hear about the exhausted kangaroo?
She was out of bounds!
What kind of biscuit would you find at the South Pole?
What’s the difference between an American student and a UK student?
About 3 000 miles!
No animal is half so vile
As Crocky-Wock the crocodile.
On Saturdays he likes to crunch
Six juicy children for his lunch,
And he especially enjoys
Just three of each, three girls, three boys.
He smears the boys (to make them hot)
With mustard from the mustard pot.
But mustard doesn’t go with girls,
It tastes all wrong with plaits and curls.
With them, what goes extremely well
Is butterscotch and caramel.
It’s such a super marvellous treat
When boys are hot and girls are sweet.
At least that’s Crocky’s point of view.
He ought to know. He’s had a few.
That’s all for now. It’s time for bed
Lie down and rest your sleepy head . . .
Ssh! Listen! What is that I hear
Gallumphing softly up the stair?
Go lock the door and fetch my gun!
Go on, child, hurry! Quickly, run!
No, stop! Stand back! He’s coming in!
Oh, look, that greasy greenish skin!
The shining teeth, the greedy smile!
It’s CROCKY-WOCK, THE CROCODILE!
Why don’t crocodiles like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What do crocodiles call children?
What would a crocodile be called if it was a detective?
What do you call a thieving aligator?
What has four legs, a trunk and sunglasses?
An elephant on holidays!
What is worse than a crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner!
What is worse than two crocodile coming to dinner?
Three crocodiles coming to dinner!
Who Told Lies and Was Burned to Death
(From Cautionary Tales For Children)
Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,
It made one Gasp and Stretched one’s Eyes;
Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,
Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,
Attempted to Believe Matilda:
The effort very nearly killed her,
And would have done so, had not She
Discovered this Infirmity.
For once, towards the Close of Day,
Matilda, growing tired of play,
And finding she was left alone,
Went tiptoe to the Telephone
And summoned the Immediate Aid
Of London’s Noble Fire-Brigade.
Within an hour the Gallant Band
Were pouring in on every hand,
From Putney, Hackney Downs and Bow,
With Courage high and Hearts a-glow
They galloped, roaring through the Town,
«Matilda’s House is Burning Down!»
Inspired by British Cheers and Loud
Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through a score
Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;
And took Peculiar Pains to Souse
The Pictures up and down the House,
Until Matilda’s Aunt succeeded
In showing them they were not needed
And even then she had to pay
To get the Men to go away
It happened that a few Weeks later
Her Aunt was oil lo the Theatre
To see that Interesting play
«The Second Mrs. Tanqueray».
She had refused to take her Niece
To hear this Entertaining Piece:
A Deprivation Just and Wise
To Punish her for Telling Lies.
That Night a Fire did break out —
You should have heard Matilda Shout!
You should have heard her Scream and Bawl.
And through the window up and call
To People passing in the Street —
(The rapidly increasing Heat
Encouraging her to obtain
Their confidence)—but all in vain!
For every time She shouted «Fire!»
They only answered «Little Liar!»
And therefore when her Aunt returned,
Matilda, and the House, were Burned.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Customer: Is there spaghetti in the menu today?
Waiter: No, I cleaned it off!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed!
What do polar bears have for dinner?
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?
Hurry and ketchup!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
What vegetable should never be served on a boat?
What do aliens eat off in space?
How do eggs leave in an emergency?
Through the fire eggs-it!
Please listen while I tell you now
About a most fantastic cow.
Miss Milky Daisy was her name,
And when, aged seven months, she came
To live with us, she did her best
To look the same as all the rest.
But Daisy, as we all could see
Had some kind of deformity,
A funny sort of bumpy lump
On either side, above the rump.
Now, not so very long ago,
These bumpy lumps began to grow,
And three or maybe four months later,
(I stood there, an enthralled spectator)
These bumpy lumps burst wide apart
And out there came (I cross my heart)
Of all the wondrous marvelous things,
A pair of gold and silver wings!
A cow with wings! A flying cow!
I’d never seen one up to now.
“Oh Daisy dear, can this be true?”
She flapped her wings and up she flew!
Most gracefully she climbed up high,
She fairly whizzed across the sky.
You should have seen her dive and swoop!
She even did a loop the loop!
Of course, almost immediately
Her picture was on live T.V.,
And millions came each day to stare
At Milky Daisy in the air.
The shouted “Jeepers Creepers! Wow!
“It really is a flying cow!”
They laughed and clapped and cheered and waved,
And all of them were well-behaved
Except for one quite horrid man
Who’d travelled from Afghanistan.
This fellow, standing in the crowd,
Raised up his voice and yelled aloud,
“That silly cow! Hey, listen Daisy!
“I think you’re absolutely crazy!”
Unfortunately, Daisy heard
Quite clearly every single word.
“By gosh,” she cried, “what awful cheek!
“Who is this silly foreign freak?”
She dived, and using all her power
She got to sixty miles an hour.
“Bombs gone!” she cried. “Take that!” she said,
And dropped a cowpat on his head.
Why six is afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!
Teacher: What are you reading?
Pupil: I dunno!
Teacher: But you are reading aloud!
Pupil: Yeah, but I’m not listening!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the Eighth!
Teacher: Make up a sentence using the word «lettuce».
Pupils: Let us out of school early!
The lion is just adores to eat
A lot of red and tender meat,
And if you ask the lion what
Is much the tenderest of the lot,
He will not say a roast of lamb
Or curried beef or devilled ham
Or crispy pork or corned beef hash
Or sausages or mutton mash.
Then could it be a big plump hen?
He answers no. What is it, then?
Oh, lion dear, could I not make
You happy with a lovely steak?
Could I entice you from your lair
With rabbit-pie or roasted hare?
The lion smiled and shook his head.
He came up very close and said,
“The meat I am about to chew
Is neither steak nor chops. IT’S YOU.”
In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn’t read,
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn’t puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found,
Till suddenly one wondrous night,
All in a flash, he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!”
“They want my bacon slice by slice
“To sell at a tremendous price!
“They want my tender juicy chops
“To put in all the butchers’ shops!
“They want my pork to make a roast
“And that’s the part’ll cost the most!
“They want my sausages in strings!
“They even want my chitterlings!
“The butcher’s shop! The carving knife!
“That is the reason for my life!”
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great peace of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And Piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor . . .
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let’s not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the pieces nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he’d finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile, he said,
“I had a very powerful hunch
“That he might have me for his lunch.
“And so, because I feared the worst,
“I thought I’d better eat him first.”