Please listen while I tell you now About a most fantastic cow. Miss Milky Daisy was her name, And when, aged seven months, she came To live with us, she did her best To look the same as all the rest. But Daisy, as we all could see Had some kind of deformity, A funny sort of bumpy lump On either side, above the rump. Now, not so very long ago, These bumpy lumps began to grow, And three or maybe four months later, (I stood there, an enthralled spectator) These bumpy lumps burst wide apart And out there came (I cross my heart) Of all the wondrous marvelous things, A pair of gold and silver wings! A cow with wings! A flying cow! I’d never seen one up to now. “Oh Daisy dear, can this be true?” She flapped her wings and up she flew! Most gracefully she climbed up high, She fairly whizzed across the sky. You should have seen her dive and swoop! She even did a loop the loop! Of course, almost immediately Her picture was on live T.V., And millions came each day to stare At Milky Daisy in the air. The shouted “Jeepers Creepers! Wow! “It really is a flying cow!” They laughed and clapped and cheered and waved, And all of them were well-behaved Except for one quite horrid man Who’d travelled from Afghanistan. This fellow, standing in the crowd, Raised up his voice and yelled aloud, “That silly cow! Hey, listen Daisy! “I think you’re absolutely crazy!” Unfortunately, Daisy heard Quite clearly every single word. “By gosh,” she cried, “what awful cheek! “Who is this silly foreign freak?” She dived, and using all her power She got to sixty miles an hour. “Bombs gone!” she cried. “Take that!” she said, And dropped a cowpat on his head.
The lion is just adores to eat A lot of red and tender meat, And if you ask the lion what Is much the tenderest of the lot, He will not say a roast of lamb Or curried beef or devilled ham Or crispy pork or corned beef hash Or sausages or mutton mash. Then could it be a big plump hen? He answers no. What is it, then? Oh, lion dear, could I not make You happy with a lovely steak? Could I entice you from your lair With rabbit-pie or roasted hare? The lion smiled and shook his head. He came up very close and said, “The meat I am about to chew Is neither steak nor chops. IT’S YOU.”
In England once there lived a big And wonderfully clever pig. To everybody it was plain That Piggy had a massive brain. He worked out sums inside his head, There was no book he hadn’t read, He knew what made an airplane fly, He knew how engines worked and why. He knew all this, but in the end One question drove him round the bend: He simply couldn’t puzzle out What LIFE was really all about. What was the reason for his birth? Why was he placed upon this earth? His giant brain went round and round. Alas, no answer could be found, Till suddenly one wondrous night, All in a flash, he saw the light. He jumped up like a ballet dancer And yelled, “By gum, I’ve got the answer!” “They want my bacon slice by slice “To sell at a tremendous price! “They want my tender juicy chops “To put in all the butchers’ shops! “They want my pork to make a roast “And that’s the part’ll cost the most! “They want my sausages in strings! “They even want my chitterlings! “The butcher’s shop! The carving knife! “That is the reason for my life!” Such thoughts as these are not designed To give a pig great peace of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland, A pail of pigswill in his hand, And Piggy with a mighty roar, Bashes the farmer to the floor . . . Now comes the rather grizzly bit So let’s not make too much of it, Except that you must understand That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland, He ate him up from head to toe, Chewing the pieces nice and slow. It took an hour to reach the feet, Because there was so much to eat, And when he’d finished, Pig, of course, Felt absolutely no remorse. Slowly he scratched his brainy head And with a little smile, he said, “I had a very powerful hunch “That he might have me for his lunch. “And so, because I feared the worst, “I thought I’d better eat him first.”